This is the face she makes for the next hour after putting on “mouth chap.”

God, what is this wretched abomination? If there is food poisoning in my house show me where it is! I have never smelled so much vomit in my life. Four weeks ago my 3-year-old, Amelia, had the flu. Three weeks ago we all shared a communal, barf bucket (except miraculously our 10-month-old, Curtis). Last week my husband, Steve and I, were sick again.

I don’t think it’s because of the sickness, but lately I’ve felt disconnected and easily annoyed with my daughter, so I knew it was time for some girl time. Steve watched the boys, and us girls headed out on a date. It was a bad idea from the start because neither of us like to be out after dark anyways. “It’s dark outside. We go home now,” she would say. I planned on taking her to the store to pick out some clearanced-out Valentine’s goodies, sneak in some groceries, and get a treat somewhere. I felt heartburn (?) in the ravaged-out Valentine’s isle. No big deal. Amelia picked out a mini Anna&Elsa tin purse which included 4 “mouth-chaps.” “Benjerrman can have the blue one,” she said thinking of her 2-year-old brother. Aww, so sweet!

We made it to the egg isle and that’s when I knew it was not a heartburn fluke there was about to be puke. I grabbed my empty plastic bag from my purse that I keep on hand for such abominations. A teenage boy walking with his mom shook his head at me. One might think that at this point I would ditch the cart and head home, but no. My coupons were going to expire in 3 days, and if I was going to be sick I had to get my family groceries NOW. Besides can you imagine the heartbreak of abandoning my 3-year-old’s Anna&Elsa mouth-chap? I’d be the Worst. Date. Ever! I trashed the barf bag and picked up a few more items before waiting in the check-out line, but first I made sure to snag another bag from an empty checkout lane. Good thing! Poor girl in front of us had to witness my sneaky hurl. I knew I had over-stayed my welcome when the cashier asked, “How are you?” and all I could do was shake my head and gag in my barf bag. Then I started sweating out of fear of browning my pants. I was already committed; she was ringing up my groceries. I never saw someone scan groceries at such lightning speed. I was glad I chose to go to Walmart instead of Meijer. These things seem much more acceptable there. Oh No! I could be in the “These Are the People of Walmart” Youtube video!  I need deliverance. I literally threw my daughter and groceries into our mini-van. Sorry Amelia. Sorry eggs. But not without leaving another gift in the parking lot. Sorry Walmart.

On the ride home, I reached behind me and dumped the groceries out of one of the bags. That bag served it’s use and then some. Normally, I would’ve felt bad for using plastic bags, but not today. Waterproof was necessary. I got home, unbuckled Amelia and grabbed the milk. Sorry again eggs. I walked past the boys and literally crawled upstairs and curled up to the toilet. It brought a new meaning to the term “fine china.” My husband quickly put our traumatized children to bed and checked on me. “Groceries,” I panted. He put the groceries away and then brought me his pillow and blanket, because I refused to leave the safety of the bathroom rug. He informs me, “You are a beast. I would have called an ambulance to bring me home. You know we have to cancel our date night tomorrow now, right? That’s okay. I will wine and dine you with water and saltines.” What’s that “ROFL?” If I weren’t already rolling on the floor in puke remnants I’d be rolling on the floor in laughter. He’s so funny. Eventually Steve convinced me to come to bed. He brought me water and asked if I needed anything. I requested lounge pants (I had the chills). He brought me his lounge pants and literally put them on me as well as an extra blanket. Then he curled up next to me. There’s nothing more romantic than someone sacrificing their pillow and their lounge pants for you after you just martyred the bathroom, and also endangering themselves to touch your germ infested body. Now that’s LOVE right there!!!

I’m feeling much better today. Maybe those groceries could’ve waited after all? Poor Amelia will never want to go on a date again. Good, maybe I can convince her to court when she is older. When I regain my strength I plan to bleach/sanitize the house. I don’t know if it was food poisoning or the flu. No one else (please God!) got sick, and I eat everything the kids do (except coffee and protein shakes). I did share a veggie burger with just my 10-month-old, so unless he inherited his Grandpa Rees’s stomach of steal he should be sick too. My Garver girlfriends did give me a sample of their detox tea. That was quite the detox!!!

God has been detoxing me of other impurities lately, so why not detox from some physical ones as well? He is definitely an extremist (maybe I inherited that from Him?). God has been showing my husband and I the absolute raunchiness of our sin. He is purging of us our Pride and Anger and filling us up on Humility and Grace. I always thought “Grace” was a pretty name, but I never could comprehend God’s grace. He has given me a sample of His grace to share, and let me tell you it is way more powerful and life altering than any sample of detox tea.

This experience reminds me of the verse, “So, because you are lukewarm–neither hot nor cold–I am about to spit you out of my mouth” (Revelations 3:16). I’ve never felt hotter. I certainly don’t want my Heavenly Father spewing me out into some Walmart bag!


2 thoughts on “Detox

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